This Friday Fun post is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above or below and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with some or all of the following: - low self-esteem, no sense of humour, a dodgy haircut, over-indulgence in facial piercings, an unfortunate sense of 'fashion', halitosis, excessive ear hair, Farmer Giles, a lisp, a big shoe, goiters, irrational religious beliefs, a third nipple or an unfeasibly large scrotum! off the shoulder bridesmaid dress
1. IF YOU squeeze your penis really hard until the end goes blue the person sitting next to you on the bus will get up and move.
2. BESTIALITY INSOMNIACS. Try not to think about sheep when trying to get to sleep, don’t try cat napping either.
3. Get free milk by not reporting the death of your elderly neighbour.
4. Part of the thrill of Tinder or POF is not knowing whether you will meet the love of your life or end up being murdered and worn as a skin suit!
5. As we gently sipped our drinks and I glazed into her eyes, my knees got weak and I felt butterflies in my stomach, I knew right then and there, I’ve got the glass with the roofie in for fucks sake
6. Some girls be like "He is my absolute world!" Really love? He is your fourth world this year, what are you trying to do, build a fucking solar system or something?
7. I was mortified when I caught my dad dressed up in my mum's clothes for the first time. That skirt with those shoes?
8. My friends have entered me in an Innuendo Competition.
9. Told my brother that I once stuck my sausage roll in my mate's chocolate fountain at his 21st party. In hindsight, I could have worded that better....
10. Ladies, when writing your profile for a dating site it's a bit misleading to put squirter when you mean incontinent.
11. Never trust a plumber who turns up in wellies.
12. When vigorously scrubbing your toilet with a toilet brush, make sure you keep your mouth closed the whole time like I didn't *shiver* *retch*
13. Scientists in China have successfully cloned two macaque monkeys. It’s quite impossible to tell them apart, said one of the monkeys.
14. Trick your pet rabbit into thinking it's done a shit by placing a few chocolate nibbles behind it, then trick your kids into thinking that your rabbit shits chocolate nibbles, endless fun, for days.
15. Facebook : Swirling opaque triangles does not make a photo into a video. Please fucking stop it.
16. Gulf war veterans; liven up a dull, boring 'Peace Rally' by walking around wearing a T-Shirt saying "I WAS IN BAGHDAD WHEN YOU WERE IN YOUR DAD'S BAG".
17. Avid spelling mistates by Simonly texting wen the buss stops mooning
18. Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it's always the spanner brained twats that need the advice?
19. Did You Know?.. if it wasn’t for electricity we'd all be watching television by candle light.
20. 'Moby Dick' was originally called 'Fishy McFishface' until it was pointed out to Herman Melville that a whale isn't a fish.
21. TAKE these gloomy Brexit predictions with a pinch of salt. And another. And some more. Now you have hypertension. Good luck getting that treated on the NHS any time soon, it’s being sold.
22. Last longer when having sex with your girlfriend, by simply keeping a photo of your wife close at hand
23. During my check-up I asked the Doctor, “Do you think I’ll live a long and healthy life then?” He replied, “I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now.” I said, “I don’t go in for any of that astrology bollocks.” He replied, “Neither do I. Thermometer just broke.”
24. Just made me some synonym rolls. Just like grammar used to make.
25. Guess all those years of phone sex have caught up with me, I have hearing aids
26. Fart into a balloon, then pass it around to people who you don't like at a party claiming that it will make their voices go squeaky.
27. Scotland. Improve tourism and boost sightings of Nessie by getting Susan Boyle to take a dip in Loch Ness.
28. The most common owl is the 'teet'. They mostly hang around in kitchens. Not to be confused with the larger owl which is of course the Baft Owl, close cousin of the Mediterranean Beached Owl.
29. The rarest owl is the sanitary, very rarely seen, likes to hide away and only developed wings in the 80’s.
30. Trampoline is a streak-free cleaner for the homeless, not something a fox shits on in your back garden.